"Huh...huh...huh...huh..."

The wind outside the window kept blowing the curtains, as if there were black shadows lingering outside.

Under the night, who is standing outside the window?

perhaps,

Most people had this kind of speculation when they were young, and also had similar doubts.

Zhu Shengnan opened his eyes and lay on the bed.

She has her own separate room,

own big bed,

own wardrobe,

your own dressing table,

she has,

A home in very good condition.

If there were statistics on women named Shengnan throughout China, the number would be astonishingly high.

Parents themselves may not think so,

But this name itself carries a kind of oppression. Even the owner of this name will subconsciously hate his own name.

As if one's own birth, as if one's own gender,

For my parents’ family,

It is a kind of helplessness,

It's a sigh of resignation,

I want a son,

But a daughter was born,

In desperation, he chose the name "Sheng Nan".

It can be regarded as a kind of "self-deception" on the part of parents.

Human beings, because of the construction of ethics and morality, are able to distinguish themselves from beasts and slowly separate themselves from the sequence of all things;

But everything has two sides, and the distortion of ethics and morality often becomes a side effect and begins to harm human beings themselves.

It's five o'clock in the morning,

Zhu Shengnan woke up early,

But I don't know what to do.

She is six years old this year and was originally at the age to go to kindergarten. However, her family did not let her go to kindergarten. Instead, they hired a private tutor to teach her at home.

She didn't resist, nor did she know how to resist.

Can't sleep, it's still dark,

She doesn't make noises or make trouble,

She has a home,

But this home is a bit dark.

She didn't know what she could do at this point,

watch TV?

read comics?

Go to your parents' room and get into their bed to act like a spoiled brat?

She just leaned against the head of the bed and sat, and kept sitting.

Sit there until it starts to get light.

Downstairs, there were footsteps. It must be that my grandma had gotten up and was preparing breakfast for the family.

She also got up,

wear clothes,

wash up,

After tidying myself up properly,

Slowly walked downstairs.

"Katsuo, come and eat."

"Okay, grandma."

Katsuo did not sit at the dining table,

Instead, he stood at the door of the small room at the corner of the living room.

Grandma came up with a tray. On the tray, there were porridge and bowls and chopsticks.

So-called eating,

Not calling her granddaughter to have breakfast with her,

It doesn’t matter whether a person eats or not, and it doesn’t matter whether a person is hungry or not.

A Bodhisattva must never be in debt.

Grandma carefully put the tribute food on it, arranged it well, then knelt down on the futon in front and kowtowed devoutly.

In Zhu Shengnan's memory, grandma did not believe in Buddhism. I don't know when she started to believe in Buddhism.

After kneeling down and worshiping,

Grandma stood up, reached out and grabbed Zhu Shengnan's wrist.

Grandma took out the needle, inserted it into Zhu Shengnan's arm, and drew half a tube of blood.

Immediately afterwards, the grandma poured her granddaughter's blood into the wick.

Zhu Shengnan didn't know where her grandma learned this method from, but she liked it very much because compared to drawing blood, other methods would make her feel more uncomfortable.

Grandma knelt down again, and she began to kneel down again, but this time, she knelt down to the painting under the altar table.

in the painting,

There are two ghosts, and in front of them is a male doll.

Grandma was praying murmuringly, extremely devoutly.

Zhu Shengnan looked at the painting. She had seen this painting countless times.

Many days and nights, grandma held a whip, or father held a cigarette butt, or simply let himself hit himself,

Right in front of this picture,

The idea is to let the two ghosts in this painting see it.

explain,

As long as you are like this,

Dad can have a son.

Yes,

Dad wants a son,

Grandma also wants a grandson.

They want the boy doll in the story,

The structure below is different from mine.

Zhu Shengnan knew that he was a completely redundant role in this family. He had been redundant since he was born.

She forgot whether she had ever cried,

I was also confused as to whether I had ever made trouble.

If this were a besieged city,

Then it has no door for you to enter or exit.

People outside the city cannot see inside,

People in the city can't go outside either.

People cannot decide which family they are born into. Once you are born, you have no choice.

The Bodhisattva has finished eating,

It's the person's turn to eat.
To be continued...