Suddenly I remembered that the title of the current volume is "Who in the world does not know you", and then in the evening today, when I typed this farewell chapter, I naturally thought of the previous line of this Tang poem "There is no way forward."
"No self".
The original poem was also written by the poet when he was bidding farewell to his friends, and it was a bit like this moment. However, the heroic optimism conveyed in this farewell poem with originality can slightly alleviate the pain and reluctance in his heart at this moment.
In fact, I don’t know where to start, but just like the banquet that ends in the world, there must always be an explanation for the decision made, no matter whether it is satisfactory or not.
But Xiaorong also clearly understands that some book friends don’t care about the reasons and don’t want to hear explanations. They have their own judgments. But I think there are always a few book friends who want to wait for an explanation and want to hear this.
Why is the dog author so cruel? He wrote the story for almost two and a half years, carefully describing the characters, and then ended it in a hurry.
I summarize the most important reasons as——
Mentality change.
I started to realize that something was wrong with my mentality at the end of last year. I remember mentioning to many readers that I was also a reader at first. By chance, I started writing Sword Girl due to an inspiration. I never thought that I would write it until now.
Just imagine, a young and naive college student invested more than two years in an action derived from a curious and impulsive idea, and finally changed his entire lifestyle. It must be said that this was a joke played by fate.
I wrote it because of my original hobby, and because of this, I encountered the first thing that made me extremely depressed at the end of last year - my mentality changed.
Especially looking back at the perfect attendance awards that prompted me to be busy updating four thousand words every day, I realized this even more: I no longer wrote for pure hobbies, but began to write for the expectations of readers, for manuscript fees, and for
Perfect Attendance Award, but the original intention of writing has been mixed with too many other things.
I don’t know since when, writing about Sword Girl has become a daily job for me. The perfect attendance award on the website is more like an attendance check for my daily work, so I just keep writing like this day and night.
And since it is work, it is inevitable that there will be boredom and slackness.
You might say, wouldn’t it be nice to treat it as a job, and earn some living expenses to support yourself, but when you think about how you deviated from your original intention at the time, you feel frustrated and confused.
Because of your hobby, you can do something with full motivation and enthusiasm, just like playing a game. You feel that you can do anything, full of fun, courage to explore, and strong subjective initiative. This is also the happiness that writing Sword Girl gave me every day in the beginning.
.
Once it turns into business writing, your enthusiasm will be greatly affected. It is no longer the thing that brings you hope every day, but the game to relax after work.
One of the biggest doubts I face is how I can maintain my passion and original intention of writing an excellent work based on my hobby while writing day after day as if I were working part-time.
You might say, aren't you being hypocritical? Just go back to the original state. Don't worry about perfect attendance awards. Don't write for readers. You should write for yourself and regain your original intention.
But my friend, believe me, I have tried this road, but it doesn’t work either.
Everyone should remember that since the beginning of this year, I have posted a single chapter saying that I will no longer be forced to update it, and I will only code when I feel inspired, so I gradually started to update it in a three-day fishing and two-day posting style.
I have indeed become more relaxed when writing, but what about everyone’s experience? And from the beginning, I updated every two days, then every four days, then once a week...and now.
When everyone sees this, they should also realize the problem. Personal hobby-based updates are extremely easy to slack off and delay. Just like the teacher said that everyone should study freely and not be forced to go to school every day. In the end, how many students can do it day after day?
Study without the pressure of assessment.
And this reflects an undeniable advantage of the perfect attendance award. It can force the author to update every day, at least to maintain the volume first.
And if I write as a fan, I have to face a problem: Do I like the story of Sword Girl, or do I like the "story" itself.
After all, Sword Girl is just a specific fairy tale. If you can't finish it quickly within the time limit before your enthusiasm fades away, then in the long later period, you will face the suffering after your enthusiasm fades.
Even if you can convince yourself to persist for one, three, or five years with perseverance, but... ten years, can you still treat it as before?
Just like as a reader, no matter how much you like a book, you won’t stay there forever. After reading it or halfway through it, you feel that it doesn’t have much fun anymore, so you close it, change it to the next one, and look for the next good book. And this kind of book is different from the good one.
The unknown of encountering books is so exciting. This is also one of the joys of reading online articles. Xiaorong also came from among readers.
If you can only read one book for a long time, even if you like it at first, facing the same story day and night will make you shake your head.
Moreover, if you insist on doing this, you will lose the original intention of interest and hobby.
Russell said that happiness comes from unevenness. And interest comes from unknown surprises, not fixed options.
If you write as you please in the name of hobbies, over time, you will definitely face the temptation of half-heartedness and the ending of giving up halfway. Because what you like is the unknown and wonderful "story", not a specific story.
Some people say that interest is the best teacher, I say fart.
Unguided and unchecked interest is the best drug that can destroy a genius.
After thinking about this, I looked back, began to face my own situation, and asked myself about the current situation between me and Sword Girl.
Then,
A feeling called despair began to spread in my heart.
Because at a glance, I can't see the end of the story of Sword Girl. If it is developed based on the original assumptions and foreshadowing of the world view, and then written at the current pace, the ending of Sword Girl is far away, unless it is swallowed up in a hurry, and it ends with an anticlimax.
This is something that a gardener who works hard to cultivate and love flowers cannot tolerate, and it is also the greatest insult to the hard work that has been done.
I have strict requirements on stories and it is difficult for me to accept it.
But an almost endless story is enough to make even the hottest heart dim.
I began to understand why many works that are titled "lifetime" cannot persist, because once a writer falls into this kind of predicament, he will be burned by a kind of flame called pain every moment, because he is consumed by the flames.
Not only their time, but also their talents and fun.
This is the most cruel torture I can think of at the moment for an aspiring writer, because it is like a notice announcing your slow death. You know that after falling into this kind of creative cycle, you and your works will have a certain relationship.
The patient will die first, but we don’t know when or how. It may be tomorrow or next week.
You are waiting for death every day.
At this time, giving you a specific date for the execution of the death penalty would be the most merciful gift in the world.
After seeing this, some brothers will definitely say, can't you fucking write faster? Wouldn't it be better to finish writing earlier and get rid of it earlier?
If you mean rushing to finish the work, the boss of Lake Lane has the same task of finishing Sword Girl.
Sorry bro, I would never do that.
It's not because I'm pretending to be arrogant, nor because I have such a pitiful self-esteem.
But because it would kill my writing life.
In reality, I am not an outstanding student or social elite with strong actions and persistent beliefs. In the foreseeable future, I do not look like I will be a winner in life, or someone who will do great things.
I am very lazy. I can’t get motivated to do most things. I am indecisive about small things. I seem to shy away from big things. It is difficult to decide. I also procrastinate a lot. Whether it is life or doing things, I am extremely slow. I often fall into a trance while walking.
In my fantasy, even when I went downstairs to have dinner, I had to walk a hundred steps back and forth in front of the two stores before entering.
He doesn't care much about food, clothing, housing and transportation. He can't buy two pieces of clothes in a year. As long as they don't have holes and can be worn, it's fine. He has to be urged by his family to buy them. A pair of shoes can be worn from the beginning to the end of the year. If you can wear them all at once,
When you buy three pairs of new shoes, you must put two brand-new pairs in the cabinet. Once one pair is worn out, you need to replace it with the next pair. My favorite season is spring and summer. It is really convenient and worry-free to go out with flip-flops.
Treat outsiders politely and politely, for fear of annoying the other party in the slightest. When meeting a beautiful girl on the road, you dare not look at her. You will not say anything when you suffer a small loss in front of her, and you will get sulky after thinking about it carefully. However, you are not interested in the assignments of others.
Unavoidable things are treated as tasks issued by NPCs, and we try to be clever and deal with them.
As an ordinary young man in a small town like me, the only thing I am proud to say is that it is easy to enter a flow state when I encounter something I like or confirm that I must complete it.
This is a term I came across when I was reading a book. I took it out of context and it means: When doing something, you will be extremely devoted, even immersed in it wholeheartedly, and you can forget about meals, bathing, and sleeping. At the same time,
Strive to work quietly in a closed space, even the chirping of insects outside the window at dawn feels like a kind of noise.
It wasn't until I could clearly feel that my energy was exhausted, my coding efficiency dropped sharply, and I realized later that hunger was rising in my stomach, that I had to break away from the current work and supplement my food and sleep. And this kind of first
This empirical knowledge also makes me always regard my daily concentration as a quantifiable game energy bar. I cherish it even more from the moment I leave the bed and do not want to devote any extra concentration to food, clothing, housing and transportation.
.
Of course, the shortcomings of this kind of flow are also obvious. It is also very easy to become addicted to other non-work hobbies such as games until you are exhausted. This is actually a manifestation of poor self-control.
This seems to be a habit developed when solving math problems in school days.
I often think with joy, how many people in the world just cope with their professional work and don’t love or invest in it. But I can quickly enter the flow and invest in something that interests me. Aren’t I also quite special?
, not as common as imagined.
This also made me cherish this first book of Sword Girl more and more, to the point where I felt that if I subjectively wrote even a single word, it would be a great insult to my dignity, and I felt extremely uncomfortable in my heart.
With this fixed understanding, every time I write is treated as a sacred first time, as solemnly as the creation of the world by the Creator.
The overwhelming sense of mission to write excellent works, coupled with the awareness of striving to do my best for every word, constitute the biggest wall that prevents me from writing forcefully when I encounter a bottleneck in my abilities.
They used to fly with my innocent imagination, but now they have become the ultimate baggage. But in the beginning, they constituted my writing life. If I give up, writing will be like a tall building block being removed to the bottom.
The two wooden blocks were shaking, which frightened me.
The more you can't write, the more serious you are about correcting. The more serious you are about correcting, the less able you are to write, and you fall into a vicious circle of overlapping codes, which becomes more and more uncomfortable.
And the initial reason for all this seemed to be the collapse of my initial self-confidence - I began to lose the mysterious self-confidence of a new writer, and I became increasingly aware of the limitations of my experience and the immaturity of my writing techniques, and became increasingly frustrated.
After this kind of newcomer realizes his own naivety and limitations, the sudden change of mentality is particularly fatal to me.
I don’t have the ability of a ‘good writer’, but I have the requirements of a ‘good writer’ for words.
I sometimes laugh at myself.
Maybe if you break the jar, just write it down and do whatever you want, you can break the bottleneck and gain another kind of scenery with vast seas and sky?
I often think so.
But I didn’t dare to try it on Sword Girl. In my heart, it was never an experimental product, but a work that I should take seriously.
However, it may be like many boys, the more serious they are with the person they like, the less likely they are to get that person. However, if they are more careless and bold and naughty, they can win the love of beautiful women.
This can be called stupid, but since childhood, there has always been a girl in your life. You are always shy and shy in front of her, and you treat her like the apple of your eye, but you just can't make it to the end, or even the end.
I can't even touch her, I can only watch her turn into a scene in my memories. After a long time, the early morning air washes my lungs, my throat is cold and uncomfortable...
Maybe I need to start all over again, quietly open a small account to write a simple work that is just for comfort, purposefully refine the plot, practice skills, and regain the confidence of the writer?
At this moment, I am asking myself this.
…
It's 5:01 a.m. now.
This chapter stopped for two days.
I paused it two days ago to save the document and before going to bed, I thought I would explain more later.
But I woke up early this morning and had insomnia. I turned on the light and read a novel for a while. I was lost in thought from time to time. Then I put on my shoes hesitantly and went back to the computer. I decided to write this chapter in one go. I will not say the pretentious words I expected.
, everyone must feel like a mother-in-law when they see this, well, I am always like this, always worried that others will be dissatisfied with me, and easily pessimistic.
Even I started to dislike myself.
Let me think about it, what else do I need to explain?
By the way, there's something I haven't told everyone.
In May and June this year, Xiaorong had a semi-failed relationship.
Yes, love. Also, yes, failure.
Well, 'one and a half' is a typo.
In April, May, and June, there seemed to be a period of time when the updates suddenly stabilized. I was working hard to code for the person I was in love with. I was very motivated at that time, but later on, I broke up and became more and more frustrated.
Now that three months have passed, I can almost look back with a calm mood and give you an impartial review:
Why is it 'a half-time', because it started out as a 'half-time'... well, it didn't even start.
It was in March, when I was returning home from school, my old classmates invited me to stay for three days while passing through Nanchang.
I was joking with an old classmate and asked her to introduce me to a best friend... I didn't expect that she actually brought one! They went to the station to pick me up together. They all regret it now. They were dressed too casually and didn't have their hair done right.
hateful.
As I write this, I can't help but giggle.
That girl is very simple. If you look closely, she is not a beauty under the gaze of the mainstream society, and she is not as beautiful as the female Bodhisattvas on the Internet. But when she smiles, it really kills me.
Good brothers, I really can't bear it. From the first time I met her, I couldn't help but glance at her with my peripheral vision. I thanked the old classmate in the middle a million times. It's not a loss.
Old classmate, I will send you mooncakes during the Mid-Autumn Festival! How loyal!
Then, of course, the silly 'peacock spreads his tail' and can't help but 'malely show off'.
And then.
Then it was gone.
Go home, everything is over.
It’s actually hard for me to summarize the specific reasons. Only looking back now can I realize many details in hindsight:
In fact, she must have been impatient with my impression and had some affection for me, but... I wasn't sure. I still missed it and fell into the novice's disease of falling in love.
Now I look back at the little poem I wrote when I left, and I feel a little embarrassed...
This was the 'half-time' defined as forced respect, and there was another one after that, which took place in May. I actually met the other party online at the end of March, and it was also a period of feeling sad and lost after bidding farewell to the girl in Nanchang who loved to laugh.
The relationship was confirmed in May and ended in mid-June. By the way, this was basically an online relationship. I saw one person throughout the whole process, but I didn’t know what the other person looked like... Let’s all laugh a little.
Okay, okay, just laugh, I don’t care about you. (I’m laughing too)
Specifically, I still don’t want to write it down here. In fact, I don’t care anymore, but it’s a bit embarrassing and hard to talk about.
Because although it was only less than two months, this was the first relationship that was confirmed. Even if it was an online relationship, I still devoted myself very seriously. Just like the flow state mentioned above, I finally fell in love.
It’s too much, whether it’s spiritual or material or financial.
In the end, it is all in vain, and both people and money are lost... In fact, it cannot be said that the act of loving someone has a price, but does loneliness have no price? There is always a cost to pay. And there is a strong value in love.
Feelings and happiness are indeed very magical and difficult to measure with value. When I was passionately in love, I was indeed very happy and happy. Although I was moved by myself and the dopamine diffused in the body fluid deceived the neuroepithelium, at least it was a short-lived experience.
Although looking back now, the material price paid for this love brain is indeed very expensive, just like an old friend curled his lips and cursed after hearing this: You might as well find a fucking person, and you can still touch a real person.
Well scolded, I deserve it.
I won't be so naive anymore.
I will never do those childish things again.
In fact, when I graduated in early June, I packed all my luggage and sent it home. I carried the bag alone and bought a bus ticket and rushed to Fuzhou. I was really happy and happy. At that time, I felt that the future after graduation was not at all confused...
…I don’t feel as tired and cold as I felt when I sat in front of the computer and typed out these words.
And when I look back now, I still stubbornly believe that during that month and a half, both of us were serious. Although when we finally broke up, I found out that she had been lying to me about something, using one lie to cover up another lie, but I was more
I thought it was due to her personality, such as being too lavish in spending money. It wasn't that she wasn't serious about me. It was just that after seeing these things clearly, she... disappointed me so much.
But thankfully, I have thoroughly seen the true nature of this relationship.
So after this failed relationship ended, I was depressed for two months. I went out and wandered around, and Sword Girl’s updates became increasingly weak, even to the point of being updated once every seven days.
Because, for many brothers, Sword Girl is the most important emotional line, and during that period, Xiaorong was in a period of emotional boredom after a broken love. It was really difficult for him to write, and he subconsciously avoided writing.
Qingjun, Xiaoxiao, Qian'er, I don't know how to see them, and I don't dare to let them appear, let alone write a sweet daily life.
It's ironic that an Internet writer who writes ideal love plots for book lovers ended up having a failed love relationship on the Internet. It's a textbook example of that. It's true.
The gap between ideal and reality, the boundary between fantasy and reality, you have to like specific people, not imaginary people.
Everyone should take warning from these.
Finally, let’s take another look.
I have been busy with my relationship for more than half a year, but actually I am not empty-handed and left with nothing.
I dare to look at beautiful girls on the street.
I know how to treat feelings correctly instead of giving in blindly.
Now that I know what kind of girl I like, I will no longer be selective and deceive my intuition when I meet a girl and mistake her for true love.
Ahem, I also know how to get along with girls in love, and future texts can more realistically shape the love heroine and daily relationship life.
In life, everything that does not defeat a writer will eventually turn into nutrients to make him stronger! More profound!
I have met some book friends who often ask me: Can Xiaorong not think too much about these things and just focus on coding for book friends who like books?
What I want to say is that I really tried this seriously and failed.
Because this direction, although on the surface there is nothing wrong with it and it is very heartwarming, its intention itself is wrong!
No creator can entertain the thought of coding ‘for the sake of the audience’.
After thinking about it carefully, this idea is extremely disgusting.
Take myself as an example. For a period of time last year, I just listened to these words and insisted on writing 4,000 words a day with the idea of coding for book friends. Correspondingly, I posted one word each time
Chapter, I can’t help but read book reviews. Once I see encouraging book reviews, it’s like getting a shot of blood. But once I see negative book reviews, even if they point out my recent bad reviews, I will feel happy after reading them.
Somewhat uncomfortable.
Then this discomfort gradually accumulates, and one day when I see a negative comment that hits a painful point, it will immediately ignite and my mentality will explode.
After my mentality exploded, I would think: I am obviously coding for my brothers, why don't you understand my difficulties? Why don't you be tolerant of me? I am coding for everyone, and I am dedicated!
Have you found the problem?
A writer who cherishes the concept of "creating for others" will immediately find excuses for any of his mistakes, resent the critics among readers, and always complain that readers do not understand him: he is dedicated to coding for everyone.
, is self-sacrifice and should not be wronged or misunderstood.
"Creating for others", once you have this dirty concept of giving away, if something goes wrong, the writer will blame the mistake on the reader, and what will follow will be ruined, or deliberately poisoned, and self-destruction will follow.
It seems to hurt the readers.
This kind of resentment is not what an artistic creator should have.
Because an artistic creator himself makes mistakes for mankind, voluntarily, even willingly, and for glory.
Because as long as it is a work in the field of art, there is an eternal paradox: even a master can never create a perfect work of art!
Because as long as it is art, in the eyes of thousands of people, it will be judged from thousands of angles. It cannot be perfect, and there will always be people who dislike it from a certain angle.
What makes a work of art have eternal artistic value is not its perfect advantages, but the peculiar "direction" it shows, which is talked about by the audience and even triggers controversy.
This peculiar direction may be wrong, but this kind of trial and error by art creators promotes the progress of art and eliminates a less correct option for "perfect art" itself, taking it a step further.
From this perspective, a creator’s mission is definitely not to create for the public, but to ‘make mistakes’ extremely seriously.
So does this mean that creators will feel nihility and absurdity and dampen their enthusiasm because they realize the "useless effort" of their own trials and errors?
No.
For every true creator, he has made no mistakes. He is creating the most perfect work in his eyes. The most perfect work of art does not exist objectively, but in the eyes of the creator, his next work will always be the most perfect work.
Perfect art!
It is this contradictory temperament of "making mistakes" and "confidence" that is the most eye-catching appearance of many artists, including novelists.
It was also because I figured this out that I was completely relieved.
I saw again the fool who was extremely confident that he could write a perfect work when he opened a new book for the first time.
Brothers, maybe many of you think that the book Sword Girl has many flaws, but in the eyes of me and a small number of book friends, the way it tells the story and the way it is written are simply beautiful and wonderful:
It shows a peculiar direction, a meticulous writing method that seems to be seeking death, and a confident fool who is able to follow the path he has vowed to make, and who is confident that he can complete it in this way!
It is the most perfect look in this fool's eyes at a certain period of time.
It is what it is.
The only thing I am ashamed of is that now this fool has lost his youthful state and has become humble and even less confident. He is no longer the 'qualified' person to write the story of Sword Girl.
But now, he wants to leave temporarily and find his original self again - confidently making mistakes.
At the end of this chapter, I decided not to spoil the outline. Xiaorong will work hard to come back and not let waiting become a regret!
Finally, let me answer a question that everyone and I have wondered:
A writer who makes mistakes but is confident, and a group of readers who can criticize the work from all angles, can be beneficial to the creation of novels, but what about the remaining readers who love novels and watch silently? Is their existence meaningless?
Until, before going to bed that day, I heard someone say this in a documentary:
"Without the love and praise of the audience, it would be difficult for even an excellent Mr. Hayao Miyazaki to create so many excellent works."
above.
——
Suddenly I remembered that when I was a student, what I did when I encountered a difficult problem was not just to fill in an answer casually, but to turn my head back to study and solve other simple problems. When I improved my skills, I went back to overcome it.
After being with us for so long, since this dog author has chosen to stop temporarily, he naturally has to explain the reasons, otherwise - "RNM, refund the money!" "Are you worthy of us? Refund the money!" "It's very blue.