There was no result in my writing last night. I fell asleep in a daze around three o'clock. I got up close to eleven o'clock this morning. My dog, Xiong Xiaolang, has been waiting for a long time. He was squeaking in the cage. My wife
After feeding it breakfast, I washed it, drank a glass of water, and then took it downstairs to let it relax.
Xiong Xiaolang is a border collie. He is the smartest and the most active type of dog. He is also cute - which means I can't kill him myself - if I can't take him out to play for half or an hour every day.
, it is bound to be depressed at home, and its manifestations are probably lying on the ground and squeaking like a mouse. When it sees me or my wife, its eyes will look like an abused child at any time, and it will run away when we are not paying attention.
Pee in the kitchen or under the table.
As mentioned above, I couldn't kill it with my own hands, and the sun was shining brightly today, so I had no choice but to take it down and run in the park.
The park in the community has just been built. It covers a large area and has few pedestrians. In my birthday essay a few years ago, I once described the beautiful toilet by the lake. At night, it lights up with colorful lights and looks like a villa. The toilet in the community is right next to it.
On this side, there was originally a large forest in the middle.
In the second half of last year, a five-story building said to be a party school was built next to the community. A walking path was built in the woods to separate the flower beds. Most of the tombs previously built in the woods were moved. At the beginning of this spring,
Most of the trails in the forest are covered with turf, and unknown plants are planted in the flower beds. The park originally built along the lake has almost doubled in size. A pavilion has been built high in the forest that was rarely entered before. Go to the pavilion
Looking towards the lake, you can see the back of the toilet below. A path winds down and is connected with the lakeside trail.
Most of the places that were previously inaccessible now have human traces. There are often no pedestrians in the morning, so I listen to songs and let the dog run around in this area for a while. When I see people coming from a distance, I tie the chain again.
.The trees in the park are all old trees from the forest in the past. They are lush and green, with the sun falling from above.
In winter, many branches fell to the ground. I found a few of suitable thickness and threw them with the dogs. Border collies are roaming dogs. If you throw something out, it will immediately run over and pick it up. If you throw it again, it will
I continued to pick it up, and after a while I became tired and became a bellows, which saved me a lot of things. Now those branches have rotted, and the dog has developed the habit of looking for sticks in the grass every time he goes to the park. Maybe this can be regarded as his happy past.
.
I walked Xiong Xiaolang until almost twelve o'clock, and when I took him home, my brother called me and asked me when I would go over for dinner. I told him right away, then I went home and called my wife Zhong Xiaolang, and rode a motorcycle to go to my parents. Xiong Xiaolang
Although he was extremely tired, he still wanted to follow him out after drinking water. We did not take him with us, and he stood in the living room with resentful eyes and disbelief. After closing the door, he could hear a squeaking protest coming from inside.
I have to go to my parents’ place for dinner today because it’s my birthday today. During the meal, I was chatting with my brother about "The 4". We both agreed that the best fighting among superhero movies is Man of Steel. "The 4" is good, but the fighting is
The scene is childish. I always think of what a firefight in the United States or China would look like. My younger brother mentioned the scene in Iron Man 1 when Tony was selling arms. One split missile can clear several mountains. Here it becomes a hand-to-hand fight.
Oh... my illiterate father came over and said that the movie tickets were so expensive that CCTV stopped it, hahahaha. Grandma was asking Zhong Xiaolang, have you lost weight? Zhong Xiaolang feels that he has gained a little weight recently.
, when he was told this, he suddenly became a little confused: "It's because I don't have enough clothes."
We went out after lunch. The sunshine at noon was very good. I rode an electric motorcycle and ran along the main road. There is really not much to do in a small place like Wangcheng. We originally wanted to run all the way to Jinggang, but we ran more than ten kilometers.
, we walked on an old road that had been in disrepair by the river. The road was bumpy with smoke and dust, and all kinds of cars passed by. I guess they were all boring people going to Jinggang.
Then we stopped going and turned the car around. I said, "We are going home. Zhong Xiaolang, please don't cry."
Zhong Xiaolang said a few words behind him.
When I got home, Zhong Xiaolang put water in the bathtub to prepare for a bath and a nap. I worked on the computer for a while and decided to just take a nap. Zhong Xiaolang had just finished taking a bath and recommended her bath water to me, so I went to lie down in the bathtub for a while.
, there are songs playing on the phone. The first song is "Love and Hate Early" by Na Ying. What a charming song. Na Ying sings in the song, "The glass windows are like old movies, and every frame is you who has just faded."
"At that time, the noon sun was coming in from the window, shining on the water in the bathtub, frame by frame, warm, clear, and clear, just like a movie. I almost fell asleep listening to the song, and the second song was "River"
The song "Begonia is Full of Wine" was still lazily sung, and then everything changed into the prelude to Hua Yuchen's "I Don't Care About You", which scared me to death.
So I turned off the music, put on my pajamas, lay on the bed for a while, and got up at around three o'clock. I made coffee and went to the computer to write this essay.
Let’s talk about the essay.
A few years ago, someone said that I might have an INTP personality. I have always scorned such generalizations, thinking it was as stupid as "Taurus people have XX personality", but in order to distinguish whether the other person was complimenting me
Still scolding me, I searched for the definition of this personality.
Some of the descriptions really clicked for me, such as the meaning of telling and writing to this personality. People with INTP personality often think through telling, "People with this personality type like to share incomplete information in debates with themselves."
"Mature ideas" "When they are particularly excited, their words may also become incoherent as they try to explain a chain of logical conclusions, which in turn leads to their latest idea."
The same is true for me. The process of telling and writing is actually more of an attempt to summarize for me. In this attempt, I often see my own problems. If life is said to be a process of "multiplying two by three again,
When I put my thoughts into words, the mathematical problem of "three" is simplified to "six times three"; but without words, the calculation is difficult to simplify.
In this way, in the past few years, you can see that I have constantly summarized myself and made conclusions. Rather than sharing these with you, it is better to say that as myself, I need such behavior to confirm that I am in this world.
The position I am in. What am I, where do I come from, and where am I going.
I am able to write novels, perhaps because of this habit: it is precisely because I keep looking back, recalling my mood when I was a teenager, recalling my mood when I was twenty, recalling my mood when I was twenty-five... that I was able to write in the book
Write similar characters with possibly different life perspectives and aesthetic levels.
But even so - even if I keep recalling and reflecting on it - my understanding of the past may still be changing little by little. Which of my memories of the past are true, and which of them are in the past?
Are the memories of every day too beautified or too ugly? As of today, the scale of time may have been blurred in the memory a little bit.
When I was thirty, I said that the so-called thirty-year-old self was probably something that was integrated with my twenty-year-old self and my ten-year-old self. This was not the case before.
The differences between my ten-year-old self were so clear that by the time I was thirty, both of them were swallowed up. But now that I am thirty-five, I feel more that they have all been mixed together on a subtle scale.
They were mixed together so deeply that I could no longer tell which items belonged to which year.
Memories are not so much my memories of the past, but rather "memories of the thirty-five-year-old me." Because the distance between us and the past is already so great, the power of time, the alienation of personality, and the fusion of memories that are not objective
When you wake up, memories become something that is only responsible for the present. "My past was like this" becomes "I think my past was like this".
When I realized this, I was walking Xiong Xiaolang in the park. The grass in early spring was still cold. A father came down the steps with his children. I led the dog on a chain and sat on the steps to watch.
They walked over. The sunshine was rare in this spring. The children were making babbling sounds. The turf in the park was taking root and sprouting hard. I was so tired from the gym workout the day before that my back ached.
A physical examination a year later made me really think about the issue of death, so much so that when I looked at the child and the dog, I thought of the scene when I was the same age as him: dead like this.
There will indeed be certain points in life where you will suddenly see the traces of time more clearly. Some people will be keenly aware of this, while others are slower. Generally speaking, slow people are happier.
In my past essays, I often recalled some of the problems I encountered in the past, and even some experiences that might be described as suffering. But if we look at it objectively, I think I have actually gained a lot in these decades.
I was able to make a living from my hobbies. After I turned 30, my journey went very smoothly. Although I didn’t make much money, I didn’t have to worry too much about money. I could even refuse some offers of huge sums of money.
In my writing business, I joined the Writers' Association, even the National Writers' Association, won awards, got a platinum contract, and even won the monthly ticket championship for thirty-one essays. When I was young, all of this was unimaginable.
I became interested in writing when I was in the fourth grade of elementary school. I went to junior high school in the same school as my elementary school. When I was in high school, I went to Yongzhou No. 2 Middle School, which is a key city. One of the things that attracted me was that there were
There is a literary club called "Chuhang Literary Club". I yearn for the word literature so much that I look up to the mountains - I went to a relatively ordinary school in elementary and junior high school, and I have never seen anything as high-end as a literary club. In junior high school
I didn’t hear this word until I graduated, and I felt like I was a big step closer to literature.
After I enrolled in school, I applied to join the literary club. Of course, that was all. My writing skills were too poor. I didn’t participate in any activities in the next three years. I might have submitted an article in a certain essay competition, but I didn’t do anything after that.
Audio feedback. Of course, I was not enlightened at that time, and this was an extremely common and natural thing, but I still clearly remember my longing for literature at that time.
There is one thing that I still remember clearly. Not long after I entered the class, the girl sitting next to me at that time was a great expert who was said to have published articles. When we were chatting together, I remembered an article I read during the summer vacation, which introduced
I asked him an essay topic: Throw a piece of paper into a glass of water and write an essay based on it. I thought this topic was really clever. When I shared it with him, the other person smiled and said, "Oh, you can see something in the cup." I didn't know it at the time.
Knowing what it is, I feel a little embarrassed when I try to do whatever I want.
I always think of this incident later and find it interesting. At that time, I lived in a small circle in a small city, had not yet been exposed to the Internet, and knew very little about the outside world. Han Han gained new knowledge through "Peeping People in a Cup"
The first prize for concept essay had been widely spread at that time, but even as a self-proclaimed literature lover, I still had no idea about it. I was very excited because I saw an exquisite topic... I often think about it, and
Sigh: The world I saw at that time was really perfect.
Everything I can see is full of novelty and possibility. The things I see every day are new. Every time I add a piece of knowledge, I really gain something, as if in a wonderful world.
I picked up wonderful stones one by one on the beach. Although the surrounding materials are poor, the world is wonderful. Even though I have no literary talent, I love writing. Maybe I will not be able to publish any articles in my life, but literature will bring
It takes me to amazing places, there's no doubt about it.
"Hey, if you throw a piece of paper into a glass of water, can you write an essay on it?"
If I could go back to that moment and tell that child that you would make a living by writing in the future and even join the National Writers Association, how incredibly happy he would be. After so many years, even though the memory has become blurry, I
I can still be sure that I never thought of this once when I was a student. We were not popular at that time. On the other hand, it was also because I was extremely sure that I really had no talent in literature.
After I was twenty years old, I gradually mastered the secret of writing, and then gradually accumulated doubts. When I was thirty years old, I told people: "I want to see what the current high point of Chinese literature is." The direction of literature.
Fragmented, without clear goals, full of all kinds of confusion and lamentation.
The world, life, is such a magical thing. When you have nothing, you really have it in perfection. Once one day, you touch its boundary, all you have is the incomplete sandcastle on the beach.
You can make up for it, but eventually it will be lost in the waves.
Of course, sometimes, I may have to be grateful for its confusion and failure. The failure of literature may mean that it has a slight possibility of perfection in other places. Because of this possibility, we still have the motivation to move forward.
The most terrifying thing is complete failure and perfect success. If that day comes, we will all lose our meaning, and only in an imperfect world can there be room for our existence.
These things are difficult to understand, and to some people, they may seem like idle moaning.
I know that many readers may want to feel motivated in my essays. I have considered whether to write these things, but I think this is my state at the age of thirty-five. Each of us, one day
, maybe they will touch a certain boundary, and you will see your future trajectory, which is almost the same. Sometimes you will even find it boring, and you can only find the joy of life from some more complicated details.
So I still want to depict these things truthfully. I think this may be the real node where life moves from simplicity to complexity. Before this, we liked simple pop music, and later we may like more profound and charming things.
For example, symphony? We despised everything before, but maybe we will be more willing to experience some sense of ritual later? Or maybe it has more forms of expression. If we take the present as a node and just look at me at the moment, who am I?
Recently, I occasionally read "Me and the Temple of Earth" aloud.
I have told you many times that I read it over and over again in my early reading class in junior high school and realized the beauty of the text. In the past few years, I have probably read it hundreds of times, but in recent times I have read it over and over again.
I haven’t read it in years. In the past few months, I picked it up and read it aloud again, only to realize that the peace I had in the past had left me. My thoughts often went to more complex places, instead of just focusing on the book.
superior.
It took me a lot of effort to read it completely. There is some weight in the article that I have never felt in the past. What exists in the article is no longer the smoothness of my youth, but more cadence and rhythm.
The exclamation after the language. I think such complexity is not a bad thing. The problem is, what can I extract from it.
Recently, I often write in a small room at home. That room has a better view. It has a laptop and a portable blue-axis keyboard. They are both small and cannot be used for other things. After Zhong Xiaolang goes to the flower shop, I will also
I sit in front of the window and read a book, sometimes reading it out. Life is not completely on track. The physical examination after the new year gave me a wake-up call. I went to the gym and applied for a card. After a month of exercise, my condition gradually improved, but I still kept up with the rhythm of writing.
I can't cooperate well, and I occasionally have insomnia recently.
I sometimes write the beginnings of other books, some of which stay, and some of which are overturned after they are finished. I occasionally chat with friends in the group about writing and the later structure. My family occasionally wants to push them
We want to have children, but we don’t say it in front of me that I hate children - after all, my brother is ten years younger than me, and I have had enough of his various rebellious behaviors.
Life often enters the next stage when you are not ready. When I was a teenager, I longed for literature. However, my younger brother became ill and suddenly could no longer study. I had no choice but to enter the society and earn money secretly.
After working hard for a few years, I suddenly turned 30, fell in love, got married, and started to work together after marriage. I actually wanted to take a few years off - I didn't have the confidence to raise and teach a child, but we didn't have much time.
Maybe in the second half of this year, maybe next year, we have to have a child. I actually know in my heart that we can never be prepared for this kind of life, and there will even be a day when it will come to an end without knowing it.
I finished writing "Hidden Killing" when I was twenty-four years old.
Rosen sent me a message a few days ago, saying, "Thank you for making Xun's daughter bigger, and you also let Dongfang Wan go to bed." Although of course there are many problems, there are "great things" in it. When I was in high school, I read almost all the rental bookstores next to my school, and tried to figure out the text and structure of "Fengzi Story" over and over again. By the time I wrote "Hidden Killing", I had already figured out the writing of "Fengzi" and "Ali" and other books. How could I have thought at that time that one day Rosen would finish reading this book?
Time is the most ruthless, but time will also leave many precious and warm things. I think that until today, whether it is for Zeng Xiaolang at the age of fourteen or Zeng Xiaolang at the age of 24, To me, it shouldn't be considered a failure. I'm very grateful for your hard work. Although I still can't be prepared to face this world today, I at least know how to deal with it.
We will stay at this node for a moment, and time will push us forward mercilessly. I often regret the past and fear the future.
——I occasionally see the words "Don't dwell on the past and don't fear the future" in some chicken soups. It's really nonsense. It's precisely because there are wonderful things in the past that we feel regretful, and it's precisely because we value the future that we are afraid. , will we hold on to the present with all our strength. If we really don’t have thoughts and fears, how careless our life will be.
This is what I can see this year. Regarding that complicated world, it may take many years before we can make a conclusion. I hope that by then, we can still cherish each other and say goodbye.
There may be updates in the evening, or there may not be, but that’s it for this year’s essays—Zhong Xiaolang urged me to have dinner.