In the warm summer night in my memory, there were green rice fields under the twinkling sky. The night breeze swayed gently, causing frogs to chirp. The room was lit with warm yellow lights, and I was sitting on a small stool at that time. On the bed, both hands were holding up the worn-out car lenses that she had picked up. My sister's hand was gently stroking the back of her head, and her voice was as soft and warm as every moment in her memory.
"My hair is very long, won't it be very hot during the day?"
"Are you getting a bald head again?"
"No, our Jiaming has grown up. I want to give you a nicer haircut... raise the mirror higher."
"oh……"
However, in the summer of that year, I still walked on the road to school every day with a shaved head. In the first few days, I even wore a plaster. My sister’s hair-cutting skills have been difficult to improve, and my head suddenly The moment I felt pain, I even had the urge to interpret these two words literally - to cut my head...
However, in the years that followed, I never cared about any issues related to hair shape. The only thing that reminded me repeatedly was the countless ugly bald heads that my sister cut when I was a child. I can clearly understand that , what really matters to you is not the hairstyle on your head, but who is the person behind you who created the hairstyle for you.
My surname is Gu, and my name is Gu Jiaming; my sister’s surname is Jian, Jian Suyan. This means that we are not biological siblings. It is difficult to say exactly when we started this life of dependence on each other, but in short, this is how things happened. We are both orphans, my sister is two years older than me.
In the beginning, we lived in that remote mountain village. The village was very backward and had no roads, but it already had electricity, a village chief, a village committee, and family planning. Many years later, when I think about it, I can’t help but wonder. Why would there be such a village in China in the 1900s? My sister and I, two children in our early ten years, were left alone to survive without being cared about. In my memory, the village was extremely indifferent. We could hear each other's chickens and dogs, and we could see each other. But there was not even a greeting. The village cadres who occasionally came to convey the "spirit of instructions" were as stiff as an old silent black-and-white movie.
When I was nine years old and my sister was eleven, a wealthy businessman a dozen miles away opened a Hope Primary School, and children nearby could attend it for free. So my sister and I got the opportunity to go to school at the same time, and we spent time in school. Four years passed. At the same time, we were cultivating a small rice field with great difficulty, relying on a little money occasionally brought by a distant relative we had never met before. I spent a carefree childhood. Then my sister started to get sick. At that time, I knew that it was called congenital heart disease, and the hope of cure was close to zero.
When my sister started to get sick, we dropped out of school. I was thirteen years old and my sister was fifteen. When I was a child, I was lively and playful, but my sister didn't grow quickly because of the disease. Soon after, I became taller than My sister is taller and stronger, and she occasionally goes to work in nearby towns to save money for her medical treatment. I still remember very clearly the scene when I bought the bottle of pills for my sister after I received the wages for the first time. That may not be a symptomatic drug - in fact, it was impossible for me to buy a symptomatic drug at that time - I just heard the barefoot doctor in the town said that this medicine might be good for the heart, so I bought it. That time , my sister, who has always been strong, started crying while holding the medicine bottle. For the first time in my life, I felt relieved and at a loss.
From then on, I desperately looked for ways to make money. When I was fifteen, I began to follow some older children around town to collect protection fees. They said it was easy to make money this way. However, at that time, my sister's condition began to worsen, and money was no longer available.
It was no longer enough, so a year later I started to develop at a deeper level. At that time, young and Dangerous people started to become popular around the town, so gangs started to form. During that time, I did everything. I went out to work during the day and followed a group of people at night.
I collected protection fees from everywhere, and occasionally got into fights. When I was really short of money, I once hid in a dark alley and beat a sap. The money came really quickly, but my sister's condition was like a bottomless pit, and I started to get anxious.
When I was seventeen years old, I took my sister to a big city, which had better medical standards and more opportunities to "make a fortune". It was then that my sister discovered the fact that I had been hiding from the prostitute.
, began countless attempts to persuade.
"I can't look back, sister, this is the only way I can make money... I can cure you, nothing matters to me..."
But in fact, I was having a bad time in prostitution during that time. Because I had to save money for my sister’s medical treatment, I was so stingy that I refused to spend a penny easily. At the same time, I had no real friends and no extra social interactions.
I just work hard everywhere with my fierceness and have no chance to get ahead. I don’t dare to let anyone around me know about my sister. I don’t dare to let anyone know about this weakness of mine-only my sister can’t be lost.
of.
After my sister's twenty-second birthday, her condition began to worsen, and there were no more ways to make money. For the first time, I released the internal clues of the police in order to collect hidden information from the police. However, there are not many such hidden information.
At the end of the autumn when I was twenty, I secretly swallowed up a huge sum of money belonging to my mother-in-law, hoping to save my sister’s life. During that time, the underground forces in the entire city were shaken by my actions.
People were chasing this incident everywhere, and no one suspected me at the time, but due to various reasons, I was seriously injured twice. Three months later, my sister closed her eyes forever in the cold ward of the hospital.
To commit suicide.
She wrote in her will that she was unwilling to drag anyone down anymore...
I still remember the shape of the falling snowflakes that winter. In that cold snowy day, a soul was taken to heaven, and it also covered up the only light in my life. Growing up, I didn’t have much hope.
Maybe it’s because life is so tight that I don’t allow me to have other expectations. I just hope that my sister will live and live well. We grew up in the misery of relying on each other and struggled for more than ten years. After my sister died, I
The half of life that was tied to my sister was finally reduced to ashes.
Not long after, the money matter was finally revealed. I killed five people in hysteria and escaped from the city with my sister's ashes. I experienced countless dangers on the way. Later, I was killed in a desperate pursuit.
I was stabbed several times and was dying. After being rescued, I became a killer, and at the same time I began to get in touch with the "other world" that was truly hidden under the darkness of this world.
Death Color Bodhi - Pei Luojia. This is the name of the largest killer organization that has lasted for hundreds of years and covered the world. In two years, I received all the basic training of a killer and became a low-level killer of Pei Luojia. There
I never thought that I would be suitable for the profession of killer. However, within a few years, my performance and experience continued to improve, and I established a reputation in the killer world at a speed far exceeding that of other peers. Twelve years later, I
At the age of thirty-two, he became one of the highest-ranking killers in Pei Luojia.
During those more than ten years, I never thought about anything in my mind. I was just immersed in killing and blood, cold steel, guns, long sights, pulling the trigger the moment I leaned over, recoil, and gunpowder.
The breath, the "bang" of the head, the blood boiling, the collision with the enemy, the sound of the blade piercing the flesh, shaving into the bones, the death gaze, dodging, and passing the bullet... I dare not think of my sister,
Even in the deepest night, I didn't dare to look back on that past. I had worked so hard and so persistently to save my sister's life. What I couldn't bear was that I was the one who killed my sister in the end.
That’s right, I’m the culprit!
In the summer of 2012, it was exactly thirteen years since my sister died. By coincidence, I returned to that city again, opened an ancient safe, and took out my sister’s last belongings.
I wrote three diaries in it. I didn’t take them with me when I left. I couldn’t face them after I left.
However, everything must have an ending, and what needs to be faced must be faced. I returned to the small village where we lived, and the house we lived in had become an abandoned house. I cleared away the messy space and put on dim lamps.
, I opened the diary while the frogs were still singing. Thirteen years later, memories swallowed me up like a tide.
For a few days, I was immersed in those diaries and could not wake up. I could clearly see the pain and worry my sister had in those two years. What tortured her most was not the illness that plagued her, but the fact that she walked into that place.
I was on a road of no return. At that time, my sister saw the struggle and despair in me. She knew that after her death, I would surely fall into a desperate situation, but she couldn't imagine it at the time, and she herself
The person who complained about this situation turned out to be her who loved me the most. I could see that the entire diary was filled with worries about me, as if it was my diary and not hers.
"...Jia Ming was injured again today, on his left back, because he looked unnatural when he came to hug me. I accidentally touched it, and he smiled brightly and kept telling me anecdotes about the nurse.
, I know that’s how he looks when he’s enduring pain…”
"...Today the hospital pressed for payment. Jiaming didn't come back until the evening. He had injuries on his face, but he still paid the medical bills in full. He said a few words to me and then said he had to leave because of something urgent. I was at the window
I didn't see him coming out after looking there for a long time. I knew he had taken medicine in the hospital and found a bench to sleep on. In the past year, he spent most of his time on the hospital bench.
I passed. I went from the first floor to the third floor, and still saw him in a remote corner. I couldn't go over and call him, he would be embarrassed..."
"...A few days ago, Nurse Li told me about how she was rescued by Jiaming two days ago. She encountered a robbery on the road, and the man was beaten up by Jiaming and then ran away. She said that Jiaming is a good person.
, I know... Jiaming is actually very kind at heart. He has been very lively and likes to help people since he was a child. He has not been like this in these years, but I know that his kind heart is still there. He has become taciturn because of his
I feel very bitter because he was dragged down by me..."
"...Jia Ming was seriously injured, and I don't want to hurt him like this anymore..."
"...Jia Ming cried because I refused to take medicine. It was the first time in the past few years that I saw him cry in front of me. I lied to him and said that it was just because I was in a bad mood and had my period two days ago.
Yes, this time it was particularly bad. This will never happen again. I'm sorry, Jiaming... At that time, I really wanted to say that if you were a good person, I would work hard to treat you, but I knew I couldn't say that.
How can you still hurt his heart like this? Jiaming, can you see this diary one day? When you can see it, maybe all the nightmares have passed, or all the nightmares have ended, but no matter
How about, even if I'm gone, can you live a good life and live like a good person? I know it may be childish to say this. There was a time when you once told me that maybe you can only survive in this world if you are ruthless enough.
, then I was unhappy and you stopped talking. Do you still think so now? Maybe it’s because you have protected your sister so well in the past few years. I have always been looking forward to it childishly. Looking forward to you is not just
Be good to me. Don't take the initiative to harm others in this world. Jiaming, if you do this, my sister will work hard to climb down from the sky, haha..."
After that, I left Pei Luojia
I no longer know how to be a good person. Over the years, I have taken the initiative to harm others countless times. That day, I dropped everything and surrendered to the country's highest security agency.
However, what awaited me was not trial and death, but the warmest welcome in the "other world". After that, I began to work for the country. It was still killing and fighting. They told me that this was righteousness, for the country and the nation.
, is kindness, I don’t know if this is correct, but the only thing I understand is that this may not be the kindness I am pursuing. What I am looking forward to is just the kind of small kindness and peace of mind that can only take into account my sister and me.
But no matter what, this is probably the only thing I can do at the moment. Over the years, I have learned nothing. Everything I know is for killing people - I can only kill people.
In 2013, environmental problems led to global natural disasters and food harvests in countless countries. Subsequently, under the manipulation of some well-intentioned people, a global financial crisis broke out, followed by war.
It may not be called the Third World War, but the secret battles among the major powers are becoming more and more fierce. Terrorist incidents are on the rise. Peiroga has become an international terrorist giant. After several confrontations, Peiroga has designated me as the first priority to be eliminated.
target, and then launched a large-scale hunt.
In order not to injure others, I left the anti-terrorist team I was in and went into battle alone. For a whole year, I traveled to dozens of countries and spent my time in battle after battle. It was the most dangerous year.
, countless serious injuries and escapes. A year later, I miraculously survived. However, almost thousands of people died directly or indirectly throughout Peluojia’s headquarters and more than ten branches in Asia, Europe, America, and Africa.
Under my hands, these people are all killers or warriors who have experienced life and death for a long time. After this incident, Pei Luojia disintegrated.
After Pei Luojia's incident, I was promoted to the leader of the second anti-terrorism team, responsible for domestic anti-terrorism affairs. I have a team of more than 30 people directly under me, all of whom are first-class people who have experienced the dark world. In my opinion None of them are worse than me. In fact, I didn’t know how to be a team leader at that time. I could only do everything the way I did when I was a killer. Over the past few years, I have solved a lot of difficult problems. Problem. They always hang out together when nothing happens, and the relationship accumulated on the line of life and death is extremely strong. But I gradually don’t know how to communicate with others. I can remember everyone’s code name during the battle, but once I leave the battle , I couldn’t even tell who they were. I spent all day hiding in my room thinking, reading the diary left by my sister, and reading some books that were said to be helpful to the soul. I knew that all those subordinates had great admiration for them. Said: "He even read Hegel..." But I can't find anything from it. I can analyze why I have the character I have now, but how can I change myself into a normal person? There is no way at all.
Unless it's my sister...
In 2017, one of my subordinates said to me privately: "Captain, let's get married... let me take care of you." She was a very beautiful woman, and the only killer who had ever belonged to Pei Luojia. She had a normal personality. She was quite cold. I remembered that her code name was Firefox, but I had forgotten her name. Why would she say such a thing? I put down my sister's diary, stared at her for a long time, and then shook my head gently.
In 2018, we had a conflict with the strongest dark force in Europe, "Dark Lyra". That winter, I led the members of the second group directly into the headquarters of Dark Lyra in Venice. There, I and Dark Lyra The leader of Tianqin, the "Queen", started a battle. In that battle, my spine was permanently injured. After returning to the motherland, the hidden injuries I had suffered for nearly twenty years occurred simultaneously. Even though the medical level has been extremely advanced, They couldn't reliably save me. After several major surgeries, I lost the ability to move. I could only move my left hand slightly, and I could only pronounce words with difficulty. Because of my contribution, the country built a new building in the small village of my hometown. A health villa, where I have lived since then.
Half a year later, it was another summer evening. The night wind stirred the grass and trees, the color of the sunset was very good, but there was a thundercloud in the sky on the other side. I sat in a wheelchair and walked up from the platform on the second floor of the villa. This place has been built into a scenic spot, and there are beautiful scenery outside. However, the scenery that my sister and I saw back then has disappeared. Where did my sister and I go? I put my left hand on the chair frame gently. That old diary, in a trance, my sister seemed to be behind me again, gently stroking my hair.
"It's summer again. Your head will be hot. I'll help you get a nice haircut... raise the mirror higher..."
I closed my eyes gently: "Yeah... I have a lot of hair..."
The person behind me leaned down, but it was not my sister. I knew it was not my sister.
"Major General, what did you say?"
"It's nothing... Miss Lan, please go down first and leave me alone... Someone will come over in a while. You can entertain them for me, but the glass door of the balcony is closed. I just want to be alone..."
"Okay, Major General, I'll call you when you take the medicine..."
The nurse left the platform, and then the glass door closed. I closed my eyes and felt my sister's breath. At that moment, I knew that my sister was back, and so was I.
I don’t know how long it took, it seemed like a lifetime, and it seemed like it was just a moment when I closed my eyes. Someone was knocking on the glass door from behind. It was the girl codenamed Firefox. What was her name? I suddenly remembered that when I opened my eyes,
I thought of everything. The nurse surnamed Lan was explaining something to her, but she seemed very anxious and kept banging on the glass door. Her voice came faintly, along with the sound of the wind, the sound of the trees, and the faint thunder in the sky.
The voices merged into one...
"Sister...if I keep my promise..."
A dazzling white light suddenly illuminated everyone's eyes, huge lightning spread across the sky, and a moment later, the roaring thunder suddenly resounded here.
On May 21, 2019, that day I suddenly felt that I had wasted so much time and years waiting for that thunder to arrive...
1,
Memories of the past.
The feeling of the past.
Everything that has passed away is like hallucinations and dreams.
When they come back again, the first thing they bring is a huge and unreal feeling of fatigue caused by traveling back and forth in the long time, like the mood of snoozing in the early morning, which seems to be real and illusory in the heart.
The man on the bench moved his little finger. Except for him and the long chair, everything was blank, white sky and earth, and white space.
already dead……
A blank like a pause in thoughts. This is not subjective or objective cognition. All cognition does not exist at this moment. All that can be felt is a blank, and all the strange and familiar feelings, false feelings, and lost feelings,
It was just like the sound of knocking on the door in a distant place. Then, something was finally rendered like ink...
The sound of people, the sound of rain, illness, the bright white lights above the head, one after another, dazzlingly bright, the breath of medicine, the breath of people, the breath of boredom, the breath of impetuousness, the nurse in white clothes
As he passed by, his pupils suddenly flickered.
I don’t understand my situation, where I am, or even who I am or what my existence is, but my thoughts finally started to move with difficulty in my head, as if it took a hundred years for them to start again.
The old clock with clockwork is like the loess plateau that has been dry for countless years. The water droplets fall down and are absorbed by the soil. But as they continue to fall, they finally soak into the land. The little bits of moisture gather together and form a small stream.
The stream finally flows into the river g and rushes down.
"...Jia Ming, Gu Jiaming..."
There was a sound, and someone was pushing him gently. He looked over. It took a long time before the information came back. It was a woman, wearing a white nurse uniform, who was talking. What was she saying?
I just couldn't hear clearly intermittently.
"...Is there some time over there...Gu Jiaming...is he injured..."
Such a trivial matter, he moved his hands subconsciously, and he didn't know when he sat up. The female nurse was probably called by someone, and trotted away. He sat there, looking at the white surroundings, and then looked at
own hands.
In the memory that emerged, he should have been paralyzed. The feeling of this body only existed in the memory of the past, but at this moment, the vitality was like some foreign object trying to fill the dry body memory, with a top-heavy feeling.
The feeling of dizziness, as if he had experienced excessive sleep, as if he had come out of the physiological treatment cabin at the base after being seriously injured several times, and his body had recovered after being unable to move for too long. It was this feeling, and there were also slight cracks in his memory.
.
There was a slight pain in his left arm, which had clearly emerged at this time, but his body was in good shape, like the body he had when he was young. He could not understand this situation, so he patted his somewhat empty head, and some things were still there after all.
Emerged. Here is...
The hospital where I sent my sister away...
Some emotions welled up from my heart and spread throughout my body in an instant.
That hospital... couldn't possibly still exist. Although he hadn't been there for many years, it couldn't still be like this. The chair in the corridor where he often lay down was surrounded by some old white, opposite the chair.
A small touch of green appeared due to being soaked in the potion - he was lying on the chair unable to fall asleep at that time, and often looked at them. There was also the smell of the patient, the smell of the potion, and... the nurse...
The nurse just now...
He tried to stand up. It had been a long time since he had felt the body in his memory, but he did not fall because of it. This body executed those movements smoothly. He supported the wall with his hands and walked forward.
, then let go of the wall and glanced across the wards. The city hospital at the end of the twentieth century, the wards in my memory, the old people, the children, the old-fashioned windows, the rain falling outside the balcony, the trees in the rain, and the
There... was reflected on the glass of the ward, that young face.
But he didn't stop to look. Even if he just got a glimpse again and again, it was enough for him to grasp the clear picture. He walked through the corridor faster and faster, and even avoided the three people coming towards him. He tried to
He fastened the zipper of his coat, but failed twice in a row. Then he turned around and ran up the stairs to the third floor. With a bang, he missed the last step of the stairs and fell to the ground. He walked by.
The person turned his head and looked at this young man with black hair who knew how to wrestle in a strange way.
"ha……"
The slight pain made him smile, then he stood up and walked towards the corridor in front, wards 312, 314, 316... A nurse who had completed her ward rounds walked over from the front and said something to him, but he didn't pay attention.
He stopped in front of Ward 320 and opened the door.
The rustling sound of rain, the swaying leaves, the clothes hanging on the balcony, the fruit basket beside the hospital bed, the pattern on the hot water bottle, all of them came alive in an instant in his eyes. They changed from gray and white to white.
The color broke out and began to become colorful. Because the woman sitting on the edge of the bed inside also caught his eye at that moment.
She was sitting there, her hair hanging behind her head, her thin figure facing away.
"ah……"
That was a memory from...how long ago?
"elder sister……"
He walked over and saw the face in his memory.
My sister was sitting there, flipping through the diary in her hand, and smiling at him.
Everything is real.
He left the ward and walked towards the nurse's duty room.
If he couldn't leave for a while now, he would definitely not be able to start summarizing everything in a clear mind, although in his heart, the huge desire made him rather sit in that ward for the rest of his life.
The willpower tempered by long years of fighting can at least allow him to clearly distinguish between dreams and reality. He remembers the thunder and the battles of more than ten years, so what he sees before him will not be a dream, nor will it be an hallucination caused by shock.
. He recalled everything, no matter what the environment was, he went back to his youth, before his sister committed suicide. He could not answer whether this was the desired world that people would reach after death, but everything in front of him was real.
Yes, it is definitely not a dream.
There was a slight sense of disobedience in his heart, because this was indeed an experience that was far beyond common sense. But at least there was hope that he could grasp it. He looked at his hands. When he was young, this was what he had experienced back then.
When he was fighting bravely, he wanted to treat his sister, kept raising money, was silent, and did fighting and killing people every day. This was probably how the injury on his left arm was left. He didn't know yet.
The current time is 1998 or 1999, but as long as my sister is not dead, there is a chance.
You can no longer fool around - in fact, there is no need anymore. Confess to your sister. You can also change places after confessing. There is hope for my sister's disease. As long as she is willing to treat it, there is always hope in a few years. She can go to Europe.
, go to the United States, my sister's disease can be cured, my sister's only heartache is only herself, and everything in the future can be planned...
Thinking about this, he sat down on the chair at the corner of the corridor, took a deep breath, and then his hands and heart finally stopped shaking. There was a faint sound from the room behind him.
"...My name is Zhao Zhenhe...a white-collar worker...I don't know why..."
"Fuck! Why should I listen to you..."
"My name is Tang Lie... I am a veteran..."
He was spinning things about his sister in his mind. None of these fierce or timid conversations entered his mind, but someone opened the door and suddenly said: "Who are you? What are you doing here?" In his words, there was quite a hint of emotion.
Feeling a bit oppressive, Jia Ming turned his head and glanced at this person, but his appearance did not enter his thoughts. Since the other person said this, of course he didn't like him sitting here. He was immersed in great joy, so he got up and left.
Okay, go to my sister's side.
Go tell her that you won't do those things anymore.
He walked to the ward. The door was ajar. He glanced through the window on the door and saw that his sister was inside. However, she was not alone. There was also a woman standing next to the ward, who seemed to be talking.
But that's not a nurse. Jia Ming knows all the nurses in the hospital.
After a moment of hesitation, my sister's voice came out. Looking from here, my sister was still sitting next to the hospital bed, with her back to here, looking down at the diary.
"...In the...winter of 1999...I committed suicide here..."
"Squeak..." The aluminum doorknob twisted slightly in his hand and made a sound. When the two women inside turned around, he opened the door, showed a shy smile, and walked in.
"Sister, what do you think... uh, this is..."
My elder sister has long hair, but she has short hair that only reaches her shoulders. My elder sister usually wears a hospital gown, but she is wearing a light white dress. My elder sister does not have this kind of clothes. She is holding a diary in her left hand
She is wearing a black leather glove. The leather glove has some wear and tear and has been worn out. My sister will not wear gloves at this time. Even if she does, there are no such leather gloves. There is a hanger hanging on the side of the hospital bed.
A woman's beige trench coat that he didn't recognize. His sister didn't have many friends, and he didn't recognize the petite woman next to her.
But when his sister turned back to look at him, he knew that it was indeed his sister, and that was the look in her eyes when she always looked at him...