"I tolerated not having an attack. I knew that once I had an attack, there would be no turning back and we would have a showdown. Although I knew it was over for both of us, I didn't think about what I should do next. It happened too suddenly.
Already."
As the baby talked, she sat up on the massage table. Sheng Chuncheng also stopped what she was doing and did not interrupt her.
Every massage room here is very large. In addition to massage beds, there are also sofas for guests to rest. Bao Bao stood up and walked to the sofa to sit down. After sitting down, she remembered that she and Sheng Chun
Cheng said:
"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheng, let's continue later, okay?"
Sheng Chuncheng said yes.
"You really won't be disturbed if I'm so long-winded?" the baby asked again.
Sheng Chuncheng said no. He poured a glass of water, walked over and put it in front of the baby. He also sat down on the sofa and said to the baby:
"You keep talking."
The baby picked up the cup and took a sip, then looked at Sheng Chuncheng and said to him: "Thank you, Mr. Sheng, I have never had anyone say so many words."
Sheng Chuncheng said: "Tell me, it will make people feel more relaxed. If you keep it in your heart, it will not be good for your health."
"Thank you." The baby nodded, and then sighed.
"That night, he fell asleep, but I never fell asleep again. When I was awake, I was thinking, what should I do next?
"The first thought was that I should return to the United States to continue studying for my doctorate, but I quickly rejected it. I know that it is impossible now. After being a housewife for so many years, let alone a graduate student.
I have almost forgotten all the things I learned in college.
"Today's knowledge is updated so fast. The things I learned back then are now antiques. For so many years, I have not only stayed away from society, but also far away from my major. If I go back to school now, I probably won't start over as a graduate student.
, I have to start over from my undergraduate degree to catch up.
"Also, I still have a baby in my belly. It's impossible to have such a big baby. Can I go back to school with a big belly, give birth to the baby, and then start my studies while breastfeeding the baby? How is it possible?
?What about financial resources?
"After the divorce, although I can get a certain amount of compensation, it will always be used up, especially when going to the United States is so expensive. I definitely can't count on the scholarship. Tuition plus living expenses, plus raising a child, at least one
It costs more than 10,000 US dollars per month. In a short time, I will probably become a pauper and be unable to support myself.
"If I don't go back to school, where can I go? Go back to Taiwan? Isn't that humiliating myself? When I wanted to drop out, everyone was so against it. I didn't listen and decided to go all the way. Now I have no choice.
How is it possible to go back to Taiwan again? How can I endure so many people laughing at me?
"If you don't return to Taiwan, stay in the mainland? The most basic condition for staying in the mainland is that I can find a job and be able to support myself and my children. What can I do? What kind of job can I do? My experience is blank, and my academic qualifications are blank.
It was a few years ago. Over the years, I have been completely isolated from society. No, I have never even entered society at all.
"Isn't it? I didn't even ask for a job. I went from being a student to a full-time mother. If you ask me to write a cover letter, I can't even write it. With my condition, I'm not as good as a fresh graduate.
I'm pregnant, and I'm pregnant. Maybe even the most sympathetic boss wouldn't want me, right?
"What's more, the current employment environment in mainland China is so severe. Even students who have returned from studying abroad have no advantages. For me, it can be said that there are no advantages at all and they are all disadvantages. The career I can imagine is probably only
Go work as a cashier in a supermarket or something like that. Caltech, expired Caltech is just waste paper.
"To be very realistic, I thought a lot that night. I thought that I would be wronging myself if I didn't explode. If I did, I would ruin everything. Including my son and my unborn child.
Yes, I am not a good mother, but my children are still the most important to me.
"I know that as long as I explode, show off my cards, and hold back, I can still maintain everything on the surface, and he won't go too far. It's not that he doesn't want to, but that he doesn't dare. I know his weakness, and he is also afraid that I will sweat him.
The fish is dead and the net is broken. Nowadays, big companies are very careful and pay attention to moral risks. If I really get angry with him, I will go to his company or online.
"His partner qualifications will definitely be revoked first. The other partners can't stand a morally flawed person in the team, so they won't take the risk. The second is that he will be demoted. If I make trouble again
If it is serious, it is very likely that he will be persuaded to quit by the company.
"He is not an ordinary programmer. For a person of his status, his choice is not very large, but very small. There are only a few companies in the world that he can go to. These companies,
They attach great importance to the innocence of their resume. Once he leaves his current company in a disgraceful manner, other companies will not hire him in order to avoid moral risks.
"And as soon as he leaves the platform, he is nothing. The light on him is like the moon or the sun. It is brought to him by the platform, not by himself.
"Once he fell into such a situation, I also thought about it. The most unlucky person was not him, but my son and the baby in his belly. It is certain that my son will have to drop out of his current school. What will happen next?
I don’t know what schools I can go to. The Red House Obstetrics Hospital and confinement center I booked will definitely have to cancel.
"I don't know where my baby will be born, but once he or she is born, he or she will not have a good life, and even basic nutrition will not be guaranteed. This is a high probability event. The more I think about it, the more scared I become.
Yes, it was at this time that I really regretted my decision to drop out of school.
"I feel that if I had been pregnant at that time, even if I insisted on getting my Ph.D., and then took my children to find a job, I would not be unable to find a job, and I would not be out of touch with society. I just believe in him too much.
, I believe in his promise and guarantee too much. Only now do I understand that everyone has to walk his own path after all, and cannot be parasitic on others.
"For so many years, I have really been like a vine, parasitic on his body. Others look at him from a distance and think it is nice and warm. I don't know that this kind of parasitic relationship is actually unreliable. I am really
regret.
"That night, I thought about it all night and became desperate. I felt that I actually had no choice. At the very least, even if I had to endure it for a few more months, I had to give birth to the child in my belly. For him or her, I had to do it.
To maintain the superficial calm at home, we can't stand the risk of being broken up, let alone the death of the fish.
"And the best option for me to hold back from exploding is to not let him know that I have cracked the password of his phone. Once he finds out and he starts deleting WeChat, then I will really become
Blind and deaf, I don’t know anything anymore. Like now, I can at least grasp the accurate situation.
"That night, I looked at him sleeping beside me and thought of what he had done to that woman and what he said, and I felt disgusting. I really wanted to kick him away or get up by myself, but I was still sweating the same as yesterday.
, I went to my son’s room to sleep. But thinking that I wanted to know his true situation, every night, no matter how disgusting I felt, I had to restrain my nausea and continue to sleep here.
"Otherwise, I can't even access his mobile phone, how can I understand his situation? Moreover, during the day, I have to act like an actor, playing a silly person every day, trusting him, and everything.
I don’t know myself, I seem to have to be like this.”