Last month, I went to the psychosomatic department for medical treatment because of physical symptoms, and then took a temporary leave of absence. This was more than a month ago.
At first I thought I would be able to adjust in a few days. Now that I think about it, I underestimated diseases and medicines.
I am currently taking a drug called venlafaxine. Venlafaxine can relieve a lot of worries, but there is one thing: it will eliminate the desire to express myself.
After taking this medicine, you will be relaxed and happy, but without any desire to express yourself. I have often fantasized about various stories this month, but I have no idea of turning them into words. This function seems to have been completely eliminated.
I took the medicine and fantasized about all kinds of stories at home, having fun. But they were not presented in my consciousness in the form of words, but something else.
I have a fellow patient in the author group. My friend Lao Kong, who used the pen name Kong Fanduo, told me that if I take this medicine, I won’t be able to write anything, and I am guaranteed to become a pigeon. Everyone who has taken this medicine says so.
.
I thought I could write a little despite the side effects.
I still don’t believe enough in the “primacy of matter”.
I really can’t write at all. When I wasn’t taking medicine, I could write 2,000 words a day. After taking medicine, I struggled to write even a few words.
The only advantage is that I won’t be so nervous that I vomit when facing a Word document.
If you think about it carefully, it's a bit... uncomfortable.
I went to see a doctor and took medicine in order to continue working, but the side effects of the medicine directly made me unable to work.
Some readers were very worried about me and asked me how I was doing in the middle of last month. I said it was pretty good.
Him: Aren't you worried about drug dependence? I thought you were concerned about this... taking medicine.
Me: You should have been able to tell after reading my books for so long. I am the kind of person who has a positive attitude towards "technology intervening on the spiritual level". I wish I could control my mood.
He: In the previous group chat, you were worried about dependence on psychotropic drugs.
Me: Because I have no money and no medical insurance.
The stress of life, medications and illness are all ravaging me. I really hope that the doctor can change the medicine, but unfortunately the doctor says that I can't help it, and changing the medicine may not solve the problem.
Before I get rid of the disease, I probably won’t be able to do daily updates.
I originally thought I could write a few hundred words a day and update one chapter last month.
Sorry, I still have to disappoint everyone for a while.
And the doctor said that letting it go for a while would help me adjust my mentality. But I don’t really want to let it go for too long.
For me, the career of "online article creation" is my source of livelihood, the greatest meaning of my life, and the most precious connection between me and the world and others.
Although the website has all kinds of bad things, including terms that are not conducive to the author, and all kinds of weird and sensitive words. However, it also has two good things. First, it is not restricted by the version number, so you can write whatever you want.
Second, it can get real-time feedback.
I still quite like this place. At least it gives everyone a chance to write.
And I am also a person who creates based on readers.
Just like what the famous Japanese novelist Kamiyama Hiwama said, the story written by the author and the emotions conveyed will condense a new chapter in the readers' hearts. The work is meaningful only after reading it. [So even if it is not the starting point Novel, even if it is an article I post anywhere, please leave comments as much as possible.】
Creating works is the meaning of my existence. Although the doctor thinks it is not good for me to hang the meaning of life on one thing, it is indeed much better to "find a meaning" than not to find one.
But when the matter became too heavy, I would feel pressured out of fear of not being able to write well, and I would write slowly because of the pressure. Then I would be overwhelmed by deadlines and royalties, and I would feel self-loathing because of the pressure.
My evaluation of my own work is quite low. Although I really hope that someone will comment on it, if anyone really comes to praise my book, I will feel that... saying this may be a bit rude to everyone. If anyone really When you praise my book, I will think, "Ah, this person's taste is not good enough", "I probably haven't seen anything better" and so on.
I even instinctively feel that comments that disparage my work are more justified.
Of course, no matter how good my works are, they are indeed not that good. I have read most of the top fantasy novels, and I know that there is a huge gap between my works and the top level.
But, this low evaluation seems to have become a mindset. It has begun to erode all aspects of my life outside of work.
Once again, a psychological counselor asked me if I was proud of anything. I thought about it for a moment and became embarrassed, because I felt that although I had written a lot, my writing was not very good. Apart from that, I seemed to just read books. The more I play, the more games I play. But there is nothing to be proud of. I like reading, but I am broad but not deep. I lack the patience to go deep. I play a lot of games, but I am very bad at it. I am not good at Hearthstone. I haven’t mentioned it yet. I’m not a connoisseur either…
The psychological counselor interrupted me sadly and said that I bought my own house and could still pay him the consulting fee without hesitation, which shows that my income level has exceeded that of most people. In a secular sense, I have Very successful.
Me: Oh, it seems so?
But I seem to have forgotten.
When I open Moments, my high school classmates seem to have a better life than me, with a successful career or a happy family. But is it possible that those who are worse than me don’t post on Moments?
