1 Maizi, don’t say that I have nothing, and don’t say that I am empty-handed.
Maizi, seeing you is like seeing myself. And all I can do now is to keep telling myself not to forget you, forever and ever.
2 My first meeting with Maizi was in winter, in that snowy city, in that narrow and deep alley filled with the smell of mutton steamed buns.
It should be said that there was really no sunshine that day, and the overwhelming snow covered the entire huge city mercilessly. From time to time, you would see people coming towards you, breathing white air from their mouths. They lowered their heads and were dressed in bloated clothes.
down jacket, walking quickly through the city.
However, when I saw Maizi, or that strange boy, it was like a light flashed before my eyes. We were so similar, even though we only saw each other for the first time.
Like me, he wore white thermal underwear and a gray sweater on the outside. Except for a pair of maroon capuchi pants and a pair of dark red sneakers, he wore nothing else on his lower body.
We smiled at each other, and found our own reflections in each other's eyes. I was surprised, because even his eyes were the same as mine. They were brown, and I heard they were very deep. All of this seemed to be scheduled to happen.
, in that winter marked with trembling bones.
I don’t like to bring an umbrella on rainy days, and don’t like to wear scarves and hats on snowy days. I go empty-handed when I go shopping, and I always forget Shukou when I eat... Maizi always smiles and listens to me about the similarities between us. Then he turns around in silence.
I can't help feeling sad about the city behind me.
However, the corners of Maizi's mouth are slightly raised, his nose is very straight, and the corners of his eyes are always hazy. These are things I cannot have like him.
3The wheat has its sweetness, and I have my little sugarcane.
However, when we talked about them, we felt unspeakable sadness in our hearts. Then, we were silent to each other, letting the night bury our figures together with our endless sadness.
But for a while, Maizi suddenly disappeared. Without a trace, as if he had never appeared in my life. I always think of him when night comes, and I cry when I think of him occasionally choking on a cigarette.
The way he looked at that time reminded me of the way he shed tears when he talked about Xiao Gan.
During that time, I was always doubting whether Maizi really decided to disappear from there and disappear from my life. Or, to put it another way, whether he wanted to cancel our encounter on behalf of God.
I have never met Xiao Gan. Maizi said that he once had a photo of her, but eventually lost it. Along with the wallet he had carried with him for eight years.
And I don’t have a wallet or a photo of Xiaozhi.
But we can still see each other every day, saying the same hello with the same eyes. But everyone can see our alienation. But I am in it, but I always pretend not to know.
Perhaps it is true as Maizi said, his Xiaogan and my Xiaozhan are just our wishes.
And in that cold spring, even the wheat disappeared from my life, without any warning or any news.
4 Finally got through the long winter.
It has been a year since Maizi left, and sometimes I no longer doubt whether Maizi exists. Many times, when I hear the name Maizi, I begin to feel a strangeness that is hard to measure.
However, Maizi still came back. If he hadn't stood at the door of my house, if he hadn't called my name at the door of my house, how could I have believed that the thin and weathered man in front of me was Maizi.
His hair began to grow very long, and I could no longer see his eyes. Thin blue-gray stubble began to appear on his chin, and his abrupt Adam's apple rolled up and down from time to time.
I looked at this strange man, and behind him was a black bass. Yes, in the year he disappeared, he visited many cities and shuttled among the numb-looking crowds.
That night, he kept smoking. He was no longer afraid of tears streaming down his face due to the smoke, nor was he afraid of being looked at with curious eyes. The flickering cigarette butt kept breathing, carrying the sadness unique to the night.
I can’t count how many cans of beer we drank that night. But I remember that when we fell asleep, he clung to my shoulder and kept calling Xiao Gan’s name, while I kept calling Xiao Zhi.
.
Xiao Gan, why, why, I have been exiled for so long and I still can't forget you.
Xiaozhu, why, why, I have been silent for so long and still cannot face reality.
5 I rarely see Maizi and cannot contact him. Since he came back, he has been living in bars and discos in this city.
Many times I wanted to cry. No one would accompany me in the rain, run in the heavy snow, or walk silently in the dark night.
Maizi rarely comes to see me, and once we are together, there is never much to say. He always smokes constantly, and I always stay silent for long periods of time. In the end, he always comes first.
He stood up, shook his windbreaker vigorously, turned around and disappeared at the end of the night.
He never said goodbye, he said, we are too similar, we are the same person. We don't need to say goodbye.
But I am really afraid, afraid that one day I will not be able to see wheat. If so, do we really have to say goodbye to each other?
6 On a midsummer night, the wheat came. He called my name outside my door.
When I saw him, I was as surprised as the expression on my mother's face when she opened the door for him. He didn't know why his son knew such a person, but she didn't say anything in the end.
His hairstyle changed, half of it was bald, and the other half was long. When I asked him why, he always remained silent.
In the small house he rented, we found that we could no longer close the distance between each other. Many times, he would stand up, and I was always frightened, fearing that he would have the courage to say goodbye to me after he stood up.
There is no goodbye, but everything is more cruel than saying goodbye, and it makes me feel suffocated.
Finally he broke the silence. He said that Xiao Gan never liked him, no matter what price he paid.
I finally understood that he had never been happy. I remember we said that if our pain could bring them happiness, we would rather suffer for the rest of our lives.
However, if Xiao Gan sees Maizi and Xiao Zhan sees me, will they really be happy?
I dare not say anything more to Maizi. He has already lost a lot, and all he has paid for is more painful memories.
He showed me the scars on his arm. Whenever he missed Xiao Gan, he would mark it with a cigarette butt. Those shocking wounds seemed to open their bloody mouths and try to devour me mercilessly.
Maizi, Maizi, wake up, are you still the same Maizi as yesterday?
7 Many times I think, in fact, neither Maizi nor I have changed, we can still go back to the past.
But every time I see Maizi, I have to swallow my words as soon as they reach my mouth. His tall figure blocks in front of me, and I can't even touch the sunlight.
What else can I say? I began to have a premonition that separation was imminent and that we no longer cherished each other.
8 When winter comes, there are no traces of birds flying in the northern sky.
And Maizi's figure will never appear in this city again. When he left, I didn't go to see him off. I looked at the gray sky and burst into tears inexplicably.
9Mai Zi, we won’t say goodbye.
Wheat, we only say cherish it.
Cherish the wheat, cherish the sugarcane, cherish the sugarcane, cherish myself.